An Interview With Another Vampire
Created by Adobe Firefly
The man - or is creature more accurate? - sat across from me in the hotel suite’s living room on a dark night in November.
“Are you scared?” he asked.
“No,” I said. It was true. I was inured to this sort of thing.
“Good,” he said. “I don’t wish to scare you. I am here to answer any questions you have. How often do you get a chance to interview one of my kind?”
More often than is reasonable, I thought.
“Do you mind if I record?” I asked, pushing the digital recorder across the coffee table towards him.
“By all means. Shall we begin?”
The transcript of our interview follows:
*****
Q: Before we start, I want to be clear. You claim to be a vampire?
A: I claim to be nothing. I am a vampire.
Q: What is your name?
A: I have had many names since my creation. You may call me Todd.
Q: When did you become a vampire?
A: It was 1563. In Belgium.
Q: How did it happen?
A: I have no idea. I went to bed one night after having one too many beers. When I woke up, it was already the next evening, and I said, “Hey! Who turned me into a vampire?” Looking back, it was probably that guy we all called Vampire Bertl. But I wasn’t thinking clearly then.
Q: How did you know you were a vampire?
A: I suddenly had a desire to wear a cape. Also I wanted to drink blood. So, you know, no real mystery.
Q: When did you first drink blood?
A: It took a few days for the thirst to really get me. But finally, I slaked my thirst on Luc, a flower merchant I knew. I bit his shoulder, which, honestly, is not the most efficient way to drain blood. Unlive and learn, I suppose.
Q: Did that turn him into a vampire?
A: It doesn’t work like that. There has to be intent. Think about it. If we turned everyone we bit, then there’d be vampires all over the place all willy-nilly. It’d be like a terrible zombie movie. Which, I realize is redundant.
Q: Don’t like zombie movies?
A: No. They are silly.
Q: So, it seems like you are saying that all the vampire myths are not true.
A: Most are exaggerations of the truth. Take garlic. Garlic doesn’t repel us, but if we eat it, we get mildly sick. Kind of like when someone with a minor gluten allergy eats a salad with croutons.
Q: What are some other myths?
A: We can walk into a house without being invited. It’s rude, though, so we those of us with manners tend not to do it.
Q: Can you turn into a bat or mist?
A: No. We aren’t shapeshifters. Those idiot werewolves confused people. That’s why we hate them. Twilight was a true story, by the way.
Q: What, really?
A: Yes. Though the name “Cullen” was made up. I guess the actual name didn’t work for the story.
Q: What was the name?
A: Bumberry.
Q: Well, that is a terrible name.
A: Dracula’s real name was really Dr. Frankenstein, by the way.
Q: What?
A: Confusing, I know.
Q: Okay..Okay..So, not to put too fine a point on this, but you kill people?
A: Not so much now. We can feed off any living creature’s blood. Most of us just get rare streaks and so on. It’s like drinking White Claw instead of good bourbon, but it gets the job done.
Q: Speaking of, I thought vampires couldn’t drink liquor or wine.
A: That’s another myth. Most of us stay hammered. Oops, that was an unfortunate choice of phrase.
Q: Ah, yes.
A: You know, because of that whole getting stakes driven into us with hammers.
Q: I got it.
A: Well, I thought it was funny.
Q: Umm, so, do vampires sleep in coffins?
A: No. Usually just a bed.
Q: Do you need soil from your homeland under the bed?
A: No, but speaking for myself I have a ton of dust bunnies. But I am not a good housekeeper.
Q: What happens if you are exposed to sunlight?
A: We don’t burst into flames, if that’s what you mean. But, speaking for myself, I get a bad rash if I am in the sun too long. But that may be because I am Belgian, not because I am a vampire.
Q: Have you been present for any famous historic events?
A: I was in England when the revolutionary war started.
Q: What was that like?
A: Just a bunch of angry British people from what I could see. They said “Blimey” and “Tut tut” a lot.
Q: I see. What else?
A: To close the circle, I was in the U.S. in 1976 for the Bicentennial. Got to see the parade of big ships. That was nice.
Q:Any other interesting events?
A: Nah. That about covers it.
Q: Why have you chosen to come forward?
A: Boredom. You can only play so much Call of Duty, you know? Let’s face it, I really am too old for that, and I do get tired of kids 1/45th my age “pwning” me. Did I say that right?
Q: Yes.
A: They are so rude.
Q: Is there anything else you want to let us know?
A: Yes. I thank you for asking. Do not loan money to Eric Reed. He still owes me 30 bucks.
Q: When did you loan it to him?
A: Last Tuesday.
Q: Thank you for your time, Todd.
A: Thank you. And now, my friend, it is time for me to feed.
Q: You mean…
A: Yes. Care to join me at the Sizzler?